Holiday season is here again. I have no control over my overwhelming emotions. My longing for a perfect family had silently crawled right back into my thoughts. Once again, I am confronted with happiness and hope and love and peace and so much more. These are wonderful things that I can only take in small dozes at a time. Holiday season is truly difficult.

As my little one inside me becomes more and more active, it becomes more real that I will have to go through life with one more person without Baby Caelan. If God allows, this baby inside me will grow older than seven months. Baby Caelan will always be a baby in my mind. The hope and dreams of him growing up with the boys will always be shattered and always be in pieces. No matter how I put it, Caelan will only remain a seven month old baby.

Every time I pass by the nursery room at Logan's daycare, I look in and hope to find Caelan. It would have been where he would spend time when I go to work. I watched the babies in the nursery start to take their first step and speak their first word. I can't help but long for my Caelan. I was so much trying to find his shadow or something in that room. It is silly. The sense of lost and helplessness bring me tears everytime.

But when people ask me how I am doing, I can only put up a happy face and say I am okay today. Then they will go on talk about my new baby. Oh God, how I long for Caelan. I miss him so much...it still hurts.

Life is still difficult without Caelan. Everywhere you go, everyone you see seems to remind you so much of what I am missing...a family of six. More so, now that we are expecting another child. No, it is not easier or happier that we have some other "baby" that we are looking forward to meet. In fact, it makes the longing and missing so much more. Caelan is still so much in our hearts. Aidan says there will be a new baby but he will still miss Caelan. It's true that life can be easier if I keep myself occupied with things and tasks. I am all tired out at the end of the day and just want to fall asleep in front of the TV. It is time like this when I search through my heart and let myself go through the pain again that I realize how much I will always miss Caelan. Just one more kiss or one more hug...something that I will never be able to do until I see him again in heaven.
They say grieving is like learning how to put your emotions in a container. You learn to put the container sealed on a shelf. When you are ready, you can go and open it. Let the feeling search your heart. I am feeling how true it is. It doesn't mean that I am not sad when I am not thinking of Caelan. I am learning to let go. It's difficult but I am practising the art. I am mad that God doesn't let me have more time with my Caelan but I also know that there is no use to wrestle with Him. He must know what He is doing. It's all well with my soul because He is our Father of love. He will not hurt me without a good reason. I just have to say it is okay with my soul. One day I will know. sigh

Tonight I miss my Caelan a whole lot...

Ranting

This is the last day of our first year without Caelan. Reflecting upon the year, memories and sadness no doubt are the main focus at this moment. In fact there is no other way around the cruel reality of facing a certain degree of depression around time like these. It will always be there.

Lately, I have been confronted and reminded by many people from far and near that I SHOULD get out of my stage of sadness and depression. To a point that I feel like I have to respond to all these concerns and comments. With all my respects and gratitude, I thank you all for truly caring and thinking of us during these time of difficulties. I know most of you do it out of kindness and love. (Some I do feel that they are doing it because they feel superior and would like to give advice to a failure).

However, I'd just like to clarify and speak for myself and many grieving people that being sad and taking our time to grief through the death of our loved ones are not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I urge you to give us room and permission to take our time to work through these raw emotions in our own capacity and our own time and space.

It is not advice that we seek in time of sorrow. In fact, we know darn well what we need to do since the reality of life confront us every day. What we need is for people to listen when we want to talk and let us be when we need to alone. A warm hug, a heart felt smile or a simple note of "I am thinking of you today" is more than enough.

I want to tell you all that death is not a scary thing when you have hope in Christ. Caelan is not lost because I know very well where I can find him. He is not lost but he is only gone ahead of us. I will find him and there is a purpose and time for everything under heaven. I accept it very well. Caelan is in a very safe and happy la la land where he has little and no interest in what is happening on earth. He will not be happier or not happy if I cry or not. The sadness I have to face is part of what I, myself, have to go through and learn from this tragedy. I know Jesus is weeping with me and God has been collecting my tears in a precious bottle. This is what I find peace and comfort.

Caelan is not a mistake that God has made. God does not make mistake. Caelan's life has a purpose in my eyes and in God's eye. I believe to this day God is still using Caelan to do His will. No matter what, please do not tell me Caelan is a mistake that God made. They are both perfect in my eyes.

Caelan is not an angel and will never become an angel because he is a human being that God loves. There are angels taking care of him though in heaven. He will not take care of me just because he is in heaven but I know God will and He will always be with me wherever I go.

It doesn't make me a failure because I am STILL grieving, guilty and feeling sad after ALL these months. Confronting my own sadness and allowing myself to be sad are important parts of the process of letting go. Some people take a long time. Some people get through it faster. But we will never get OVER it. We will get through the grieving process. It is in our hope that one day something positive will come out of this tiresome process. In average, it will take a grieving parent a year or two to get through the cycle.

It is healthy for us to show our emotions to our kids. This is a natural process and will help them to grieve openly. It helps them to know that their parents love them as well. Grieving can be personal or can be a family affair. Please do not tell me not to cry in front of my kids or stop being sad too often in their present.

I am me and will be me in front of anyone. I will show you I am happy when I am happy and you will know I am sad when I am sad. Even though I may be seen as a victim of an unpredictable tragedy but I am still me. I am still the feisty person that you all know. I am a fighter. I hate to be crowned with the title of victim and plead for people's pity everywhere I go. I will get up on my own and will be able to do it one day but I know I have to be gentle with myself. I know my limits and I know my tolerance. I urge you not to pity me and not to offer me unsolicited advices. I post up my raw feelings because it helps me to see myself in a different angle. It is therapeutic. I am not asking for pity which I refuse to take. To know that you care and are listening are more important to me. I appreciate you sharing my sorrow. As Logan puts it, "I'll do it MYSELF!"

I am confident that we are making progress and dealing with Caelan's passing in a positive way. There are so much goodness come out of our tragedy. I have learnt and grown so much that is beyond my imagination. To this day, I can still say God indeed is good to us. He is worthy of our praise in all ways.

But my family and I are still learning how to fully let go and everyday learning how to let God take control of our lives. It is still heart throbbing and tears still run down every time we think of our beloved son but we are dealing with it in our own capacity and in our own time with God's grace.

An innocent pretend play I wish it's true

"Let's play pretend superhero, Logie!"
"Okay!" "Said Logan.
Aidan took off flying around the house, "Zoom, Zoom...what do you wish for Daddy?" Asked Super Aidan.
"I wish, I wish my baby came back!"
"Zoom, zoom, there he is! That's your baby brother alive!" said Super Aidan.
"No, my baby brother is dead."
"No, I brought him back alive, Logan"
"Wow, thank you. God, you are the best!"
"Okay, let's go to work now. Zoom Zoom"
Both of them took off flying around the house.

Let go?

I have been deliberately avoiding this blogging business because it stirred up so much emotions. I know it helps me sort out a lot of my raw feelings and it helps me heal. But it also makes me face my pain in such an excruciating way that is so difficult to explain. It is so painful that I know if I avoid spending time to think, I can save myself a round of sorrow. It's a self defense mechanism from myself hurting myself. It's truly crazy. I do have a lot of thoughts I want to jot down everyday but I do not allow myself to visit this blog. Every time I turn on the computer, I quickly began to work. Every night I quiet down, I quickly turned on the TV. I would not allow myself to think or reflect for that will bring me pain and tears. I refuse to read for that will stir up too much thinking. I would not touch my scrapbooking stuff because I have to look at Caelan's pictures. It is still very painful and real but I know if I don't allow myself to "go there" I can still have some sorts of control over my feeling. It's so much BS I know. I can't quite help it. Everyday, I think to myself: am I all over Caelan yet? How well am I today relatively to yesterday? is my memory of Caelee still perfect? Then I go through the whole cycle of disappointment, guilt of forgetting him, fact-searching (thinking about that horrible night) and what would have been.... sometimes, I can do this exercise quite briefly, sometimes, I dwell on it a bit longer, and sometimes, I can't get out of it. If it's not because of my kids, I think it would have been worse for me. If it's not because I have my faith, it would have been impossible to find an OUT to this viscious cycle of sorrow. I know alone I cannot dig myself out of the ditch but I have to rely on Him. When ten thousands distructive thoughts attacking me, I search for the voice I need to hear deep inside. He will help me do what seems impossible. I just have to let myself heal and be honest with the magnitude of my lost. And it will be all well. I will get there eventually. I am working on it. I am working hard on it. As we go through the last bit of our first year without Caelee, I ask for prayers so we will fully experience God's mercy and love as we continue to learn to let go.

What happened?

Lately, I am afraid to visit this blog space. It's just so painful. Life seems to go on. I seem to be "forced"to go along with the "flow". I'd like to be part of the "normal" group. I put up smiles. I moved on. I came back. I thought I wouldn't cry or feel the pain. I do. I numb myself with lots of works and duties. I was drunk once at a friend's wedding. First in my life. I felt so bad. Every night, I surround myself with lots of paperwork from work and from church. No time to think or feel the sorrow helps. It helps for a while. But I am back. I missed Caelan. He is/was my life. I can't help but missing him in every thought of mine. My heart is broken even though my spirit is high. I can't explain the feeling. My life is full of lives and goodness but I am heartbroken. I have to be gentle with myself. I know it's okay to take my time to grief but it is not easy. People are forgetful and careless. A casual church friend of mine saw me today. She saw me and exclaimed, "you lost so much weight, what happened?" She is so stupid. She knew very well that we lost Caelan. Last time, two months after Caelan was gone, she saw me. She was surprised and said, "oh, you are all well now!!" This time she said, "what happened?" I knew people didn't what to say but this one was just ridiculous. It rippled a lot of pain and sadness. I can be sad and deal with the crappy feeling with my own timing. I can handle my own emotion. It is difficult to deal with other's insensitive, out of no where comments. They hurt. I don't know why they hurt. Maybe I don't want people to forget about Caelan and forget about my pain. I am just stuck with sadness tonight. What happened?!!

Precious...just precious.

I came across Winnie's facebook and found Caelan's picture with Sam Gor. It was just so precious. I didn't think I would see a NEW picture of Caelee ever again. The emotion that came up was just overwhelming.

Human are just so greedy. I was just settled in my griefing and just accepted the finality of Caelan's life. Then I stumbled on this picture. It was so bitter sweet. On one hand I was grateful on the other hand I was so sad. So sad that I will be forever reminded of this great sorrow of my life. My precious one that I love so much. The one that I can only imagine our lives together. The one that I will always long to see and to be with.

Today I pray that God will give me the strength to go on and fill my hollow part of my heart with whatever you have planned for me. There is such a big hole that is empty now that He must have a plan for me and my family.

Father, I pray that You will fill it up. Guide us to walk out of this valley. You created my precious child with the gentlest of hands. You were with Caelee before he was born, and I know you will tenderly watch over him forever.

"Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" (Psalm 139:16).

Heavenly Jesus, bring me words of true comfort today. Thank you that
Caeleebee is alive and well with You. Amen

It's not easy

It's been difficult to live and grief. There is an enormous sense of guilt and betrayal when you try to move on. The moment you let yourself have a bit of joy, the very moment you feel sad that you do feel happy. It's like a crazy person trying to find normality in life. It's been eight months since Caelan died. I told myself it's time to let go but it's not easy. I tend to put out more of an upbeat, happy front for others around me to feel more at ease. I try not to dwell on the great sorrow. I stop looking at Caelan's pictures as often. I want to not remember as much. I make myself listen to news rather than the soothing music that makes me linger in thoughts of Caelan. I doze myself off with the sound and the flashing images of the television rather than reading my books on griefing. I do a lot. I shop a lot. I talk a lot. I pray a lot. I try not to cry a lot. I try not to to blog. I try not to do anything that reminds me of Caelee.

But nothing can really take the reality of sadness away. Still I am sad inside. I can feel the tension built up in my body physically this week until I let go and have a solid, lengthy, gut out kinda cry tonight. Does having faith in God help? Yes, a whole lot. When I am feeling sorry for myself, for my family and feeling guilty, I can only rely on the promise God has for us. When I have doubts, He talks to me in ways I cannot imagine. He has a way bigger plan for all of us and He loves us so much that I have the peace that He will take care of us no matter what. I know Caelan is in good, loving hand and I will see him again one day. When I am sad (like now), I know Jesus is here and He is weeping along with me. He can understand my sorrow and fill in the emptiness. Hope can be found in Him. I just have to believe it and take a big long leap! It is not easy but I will try again this week.

Life goes on

I asked Evan today while we were shopping, "Evie, do you miss Caelee?" Evan promptly answered, "Sure, I do." I said, "Me, too." with a sigh. "I miss Caelee so much. I think I will miss him for the rest of my life. What am I going to do?" He wisely answered, "That's okay. Nobody seems to mind. What's the worry?" He walked away to explore the store. I thought, "wow..." Life goes on. Life does go on and maybe it is okay. No one will mind. Life goes on.

Caelan's babbling at four month

One of Caelan's few video clips. He was so full of life even at four month of age.

Do I miss Caelan?

It is sad that Logan had forgotten already that he is a big brother. He is a big brother to Caelan. I know he is only three and it is asking a lot for him to fully comprehend the lost but for me, it is still sad. Since Caelan's death, I have been reading a lot of books on dealing with grieving and grieving as children. I am determined that our family will be brave and face this matter positively. Caelan's death will never going to be a taboo in our house or with our friends and family (it's a bit challenging with the outsiders). We will talk about Caelan and bring out the topic as much as we can. Tommy and I cried as often as we can in front of our kids and friends. I cried almost every Sunday during service. I hope by doing so I may be able to overcome the sadness one day. I hope that by doing so our sons will become more compassionate and grow closer to each others. After I reminded Logan that he is a big brother, he has been entertaining that idea again. After a few days since I reassured that he is and will always be a big brother to Caelan, today he came to me and said "Mommy, you know I am a big brother right, you know?" I know I have to repeat and repeat the same sad heart broken story to Aidan and Logan over and over again before they fully understand that Caelan is gone forever. They are not shy about the topic. Aidan just came to me when I was typing and asked me if I really miss Caelee. How aweful is that question? But it is true that I ask that question to myself all the time. Do I really miss Caelan or do I actally just feel sorry for myself? Do I really feel sad that he is dead or do I just feel angry because he died so now I looked like a failure as a mother? Do I really miss him? I think one thing I know for sure is the fact that I am sad and I have never been so sad in my life. I have not had a day without tear for the past several months. It's been more controllable last month but I still haven't been able to put make up on in the morning because I cannot guarantee that I will not cry during the day. So, do I miss Caelan? Do I? It's a very complex question for me.

Still?

It is just so difficult sometimes to get out of the great sorrow. When you are still and are in hiding, it is easier to understand and comprehend the whole deal. But when you are wide awake and know that things are changing, time is passing and people are moving on, it is very difficult to accept. To accept the fact that my time with Caelan will never be able to extend and I will really never going to see him grow. The joy and fun I have and am having with the boys will never happen with Caelan because he is gone. There is a finality. There was the end. It doesn't matter that my love for him continues to grow daily without his presence. My longing for him multiplies without him around. That was the final moment. That was the last time I saw him. That was the last time I bathed him, I held him, I fed him, I_____ him. No one can take my sorrow and my sadness away. It doesn't matter how many people out there care for me. This is a road I have to bear through and a journey I have to take out the courage to continue daily. I am like Aidan a couple months ago asking me "When is God going to be done fixing Caelan and giving him back to us?" I didn't know how advance that thought was. I gave Aidan an answer with my mind then and only begin to search for the answer from my heart and realized how slowly I am coming to accept that Caelee is never going to be back. Caelan is really never going to be back. He has gone ahead and never will be back.

It's funny how things are spinning around my head these days. It's like the overload picasa photo program at home that we use on the computer. The program is going wonko with overloaded pictures. The photos that are sorted by dates are now shown in random images but when we click on the automatic slideshow function, photos are arranged perfectly in order. It's like my memory nowadays. No matter how clear I want to recall them, they appear in random order. It is a super bitter sweet situation as we have 4 different babies images randomly shown in the computer at different times. The boys look ridiculously similar even as their mommy, I need to think it through to recognize each one of them. I had no idea what I am trying to say here but to self sooth myself today. I am trying to tell myself that my 3 boys can make up for one tiny memory of Caelan. As days go by, will time heal? Or will time just bring out more brutal realities and facts that I have no more second chance to build my life with baby Caelan? Will I be fine with the fading memory of Caelan and get confuse with my own memories as more new adventures unfold as I continue too grow old with the boys? What will my future hold? What will happen the moment I step out of the house today as I face the marathon of pick ups and daily chores? Am I rather stay back and still be STILL? Or is being STILL a way of avoiding the cruelty of reality? I wish I can say today I will soar with God above the storm but today I'd rather sit in the middle of the ocean and let the ocean rise and roar around me.

Just let me be and I will figure it out. I think God is here sitting with me and allowing me take in the overwhelming sorrow one day at a time. I will be fine. Still, I will be still.

Peter 3:15

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.

Peter 3:15

I just read this verse today and it dawned on me what I have been thinking the last couples of weeks. As we reached the benchmark of 6 months since Caelan died, Tommy and I had a few great cries. It has been a lot more controllable and the depth of the sorrow was not as harsh but still deep.

The gang of boys: Mark, Jon, Wesley, Ryan, Jenson and Ron came with Jessica, Carol and Liam the other day and celebrated my 4oth birthday. They are great big brothers and sisters to my boys and has played a great part of our family for years. It was a bit bitter sweet for me. It's almost like all my kids celebrating my birthday with the absence of Caelee. Of course, God will not forsake me in days like these.

Dr. Cadenhead, the doctor who delivered all 4 of my babies, called me "by mistake" (she meant to call a patient and dialed the wrong number) or "by fate" right before we were about to cut the birthday cake. We talked for almost half an hour. She kindly reminded me that I should forgive myself and comforted me by saying that maybe God realized He meant to give us a girl instead of another boy. I didn't know how to respond but that made me puzzled. When I returned to the party scene, I was in tears and confused.

Yesterday, my friend Ella came by and once again she comforted me and told me the same thing. Maybe God made a mistake... I didn't know what to say. It just happened that I had a copy of the sharing we did at church. I gave her a copy and then I realized what I said that day. I said God does not make mistakes and Caelan is not a mistake. His life had a purpose.

I need to remember always to set apart Christ as Lord in my heart and always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have with gentleness and respect. It was so profound and so rich. The truth and the comfort I need are simply in God's words. The moment my heart wanders and feels lost I ought to reset my mind and get back to His words where I can find hope and peace. I think that is kind of cool! Thank God!

LOST

I went to revisit the psychiatrist yesterday. She caught me by surprise by reviewing the coroner's report to me. We have been waiting to see the report all this time. The coroner had finally called us a few weeks back and confirmed that Caelan died of SIDS but we haven't seen the report yet. I wasn't prepared for the report from the psychiatrist and was very numb when she began the long list of details. She was also very upset at the coroner office for holding back the report from us for the last few months even when it was ready. She went on and on reading the emails she had exchanged with the head of the department and told me that the report should have been a priority for families like ours. The hold-back of the report create unnecessary stress on bereaved parents. I guess she was expecting me to have a great sense of anger and relief at the same time. Somehow, I feel numbed. All I did and knew what to do was to sob quietly in my chair. I think I am scared to investigate further. I am afraid of knowing more...more about the details. What if it is my fault? What if it is not just SIDS? The thought is too much for me to handle. It hurts. I think it is self protection from further getting hurt. I didn't let myself feel the pain. I'd rather stay ignorant and put my trust in the Lord. It really doesn't matter. A lot of the so called "injustice" does not matter to me right now. I'd rather stay still and see where God leads me next. At times, I feel like a little girl lost in a gigantic mall. It is better off that she stays still. Daddy will be able to find her rather than her wandering around at full speed. I am the lost girl. I feel like the lost girl. Quietly...staying still.

Love + Kindness

I was on a spiritual and emotional high for the last few days. I am sure we have been very much uplifted by extra doses of prayers and very encouraged by people's love + kindness.

After Caelan's big day, we fell quickly back to routine. I have been running a marathon of BUSYness as usual. My body was catching up with all the stress I have been experiencing, especially now that I cannot take too much Advils (painkiller for my chronic backpain). Also the fact that all my helpers (dishwasher and laundry washer) are both broken, I had to work extra. There wasn't much time for solitude and griefing. Or maybe that's why I was on a high...too busy?!

On Saturday, Wynsome organized a big birthday cake making party for Caelan. Lots of our boys' favourite big brothers and sisters came to help us build a seven layer cake. We hope to make a tradition to remember Caelan with laughter and relationship (=cake) building. Each year we hope to build a taller and more impressive cake. This year, we had a blast watching the cake starting to fall after layer #6. The task was exciting and challenging.

Logan and Aidan were still talking about the party this morning. They all had their favourite people to play with and talk about. Logie was asking where "Adiboli" is? (translation=everybody) He wanted me to ask them to come back for parties for Caelan! Logie kept asking me, "who girl""; "who played hide and seek", "who girl?" "who gal made the cake"; "who boy"; "who boy shoulder ride me?"...he went on and on trying to catch "adiboli"s names.

Even though it was a very ugly cake, it was delicious and meaningful. The cake symbolizes our lives. It looked rough and ugly at first glance but what was important was what we had in each layer. There were 7 different flavours: some are similar in tastes, some are different in textures. We all took part in spreading different layers. There were so much love involved. Fantastic memories were made...thanks to Caelee's big buddies and all your prayers out there!!!

"YOU BEST I've ever seen" as Logie puts it!

Be Still and know you are God

We are overwhelmed with the support everyone had shown. Emails, facebook and blog comments. We are loved and blessed.

We had the boys lit the candles, watched a few clips, sang a few songs, climbed all over the furnitures, drove Tommy crazy with their craziness and rushed them to bed. We both were exhausted and took a short nap.

The day was not as harsh as we had anticipated. Thank God and much thanks for the prayers and thoughts throughout the week and the day.


As I signed off tonight, I continue to remember Caelan and remember how much love and joy he brought us. What a precious gift from God who is in control even when my world is spinning and going in all senseless directions. But tonight, I shall continue to be still and trust Him. I shall continue to hide and rest under my loving God...until my heart is less broken.



Still
Words and Music by Reuben Morgan

Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust

We can only imagine

? I can only imagine

We can only imagine what Caelan would have looked like on his first birthday. We are thankful that God gave us some clues through his brothers. Caelan sure had a little bit of each brother. Sometimes, when I am busy and rushing around, I see glimpse of Caelan everywhere I go. I see Caelan's happiness in Evan, Caelan's calmness in Logan and Caelan's expression in Aidan.

As we began our little remembering for Caelee by lighting candles with the boys and singing songs, Tommy saw me pulling out 1st birthday pictures of Evie, Aidee and Logie. He took out the video of their birthday celebration as well. I thought what a great idea. This is becoming a very meaningful, personal tradition.
Simple but special to the hearts. Thank God and thanks for all your prayers and supports. Baby Caelee will be remembered in an ultra special way when mommy learns to be still and know that He is God.

Caelan's "would have been" birthday

Today marks Caelan's "would have been" first birthday. As we were anticipating this day, waves of emotions came over us. It is indeed going to be an emotional day yet we need to move on. As much as we would love to throw a big party to remember Caelan, I am physically and mentally not capable at this point. We have chosen to quietly and slowly let the day lead us. God has been challenging me with a verse for the last week: "Be still, and know that I am God." I am very much meditated on this and working on the "BE STILL" part which you all know how difficult that might be for me. I think I need to quietly absorb all the sadness and remember all the good times we had with Caelee alone as a family. I think it will be essential for our family unit to be still tonight and to appreciate the beauty of simplicity.

If you would kindly join us in prayers and if possible light a candle wherever you are around 7 to 11, Tommy and I would be very grateful for your support. Caelan was borned at 10:02pm last Feb 2 and I was in the hospital from 7pm for the labour. That was a wonderful time. The anticipation of Caeleebee's arrival into the world was priceless. Caelan was also found at 7:30pm at home by Tommy on Sept 8 and was taken away by the coroner by 11pm that night. That was a life-turned-upside down time for us. The loss of Caeleebee to SIDS was costly. As we observe Caelan's birthday, please remember each one of us in your prayer.

We also started a new blog http://cheung5family.blogspot.com on our family's daily lives. The fun simple things that we are thankful. All the lovely unexpected joy the children bring us. A place where our children and our friends can share and know that God is in control. He takes good care of us even though we are overwhelmed with the sadness of the loss.


* Many of you have asked before whether we have set up a memorial fund for Baby Caelan. We have been prayerfully considering different options. If you feel comfortable with this suggestion, we would ask for your contributions to our children's school, John Knox Christian School registered as Burnaby Christian Association of Burnaby. When Evan started school, God in His amazing and amusing way gave us a precious surprise gift. We found out we would be expecting Caelan. Evan’s teacher and classmates anticipated Caelan’s arrival and were all very excited for us about our new family addition. During the first few months of his life, Caelan was very much a part of Evan’s class. I would take him twice a week to volunteer reading with the class. Caelan enjoyed many hours in my arms listening to other children reading their books. Evan often shared stories about his baby brother and brought Caelan in as show and tell. Caelan was even part of the props used during Evan’s family project. Those are fond memories. Caelan was always met with joy and love at John Knox. We looked forward to seeing all four of our children growing up here. The continuous care and support of the staff have been Godsend and we know in our hearts that all our children, including Caelan, are treasured and loved. Please see link for information on their urgent needs and methods in which you can donate:

http://www.johnknoxbc.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=48&Itemid=54. Please write "In memory of Caelan Alexander Cheung" in the memo line. Thank you for honouring our son in this special way.

In loving memory of our Caelee Bee

Me...Mess

I have been experiencing a few intense anxiety attacks last few days and trying hard to overcome the problems. It is frightening because I am afraid the intensity will cripple me from taking care of my boys.
After coming home from I thought at the time, life and death situation, I was all shaken with all the boys at home. I cried and let out of my emotion deeply for 2 days.
Tonight as I left Tommy alone to go to the home builders meeting with the boys. I felt the urge of sorting out my feelings.
As I was reflecting, I realized the date. Two days ago marked Caelee's fourth month of leaving us. I think I am dealing with a lot of guilts and regrets again.

Here is a new list:
1) I forgot that it is the 8th and it has only been 4 months. I am afraid that I will eventually forget about Caelee. I feel guilty.
2) I am scare to death that I will not be able to care for my other boys. Caring for them at times seem overwhelming to me. I feel guilty as an incapable mom. I feel I deserve Caelee to be taken away because he is now in a better place. I feel I fail him as a mother and afraid that I will fail my other boys.
3) I feel guilty that I am afraid of being judged by others because of our tragedy. I hate that feelings. When people avoid us, I assume lots of things. I imagine how they think of us as incapable parents with too many kids. Messy family with no disciplines. My self esteem as a mother is at all time low.
4) I feel guilty that I am not able to shake these thoughts away. 5) I feel guilty that my faith is not strong enough.
6) I feel guilty that this griefing is all about me. It is becoming very selfish. By the time I finished "thinking", I am all exhausted.
7) I feel guilty of not being able to be more productive. I feel guilty that I am contributing enough in the family and at work. Small tasks become more difficult. I can't concentrate well.
8) I feel guilty that I am secretly happy that I lost weight but I want to tell people that I did it because I was sad. But I really lost weight because of the loss of appetite. I also feel sad when people tell me I lost weight. It reminds me of the pain. It hurts more. But I feel guilty that I am happy I lost weight. I am a mess.
9) I feel guilty that I still want to talk about Caelan all the time. I feel disappointed if people do not talk about Caelan in our conversation.
10) I feel guilty that I mentally shut Tommy off one night when he was excited to share his adventures for the day. I had no interests because I'd rather have my time to grief. I feel guilty for not being a good wife.

The list can go on and on but I don't want do this anymore. I can't concentrate. I am exhausted. Overall, I am tired and I am a mess these days. Maybe, next week it will be better.