Let go?

I have been deliberately avoiding this blogging business because it stirred up so much emotions. I know it helps me sort out a lot of my raw feelings and it helps me heal. But it also makes me face my pain in such an excruciating way that is so difficult to explain. It is so painful that I know if I avoid spending time to think, I can save myself a round of sorrow. It's a self defense mechanism from myself hurting myself. It's truly crazy. I do have a lot of thoughts I want to jot down everyday but I do not allow myself to visit this blog. Every time I turn on the computer, I quickly began to work. Every night I quiet down, I quickly turned on the TV. I would not allow myself to think or reflect for that will bring me pain and tears. I refuse to read for that will stir up too much thinking. I would not touch my scrapbooking stuff because I have to look at Caelan's pictures. It is still very painful and real but I know if I don't allow myself to "go there" I can still have some sorts of control over my feeling. It's so much BS I know. I can't quite help it. Everyday, I think to myself: am I all over Caelan yet? How well am I today relatively to yesterday? is my memory of Caelee still perfect? Then I go through the whole cycle of disappointment, guilt of forgetting him, fact-searching (thinking about that horrible night) and what would have been.... sometimes, I can do this exercise quite briefly, sometimes, I dwell on it a bit longer, and sometimes, I can't get out of it. If it's not because of my kids, I think it would have been worse for me. If it's not because I have my faith, it would have been impossible to find an OUT to this viscious cycle of sorrow. I know alone I cannot dig myself out of the ditch but I have to rely on Him. When ten thousands distructive thoughts attacking me, I search for the voice I need to hear deep inside. He will help me do what seems impossible. I just have to let myself heal and be honest with the magnitude of my lost. And it will be all well. I will get there eventually. I am working on it. I am working hard on it. As we go through the last bit of our first year without Caelee, I ask for prayers so we will fully experience God's mercy and love as we continue to learn to let go.