Still?

It is just so difficult sometimes to get out of the great sorrow. When you are still and are in hiding, it is easier to understand and comprehend the whole deal. But when you are wide awake and know that things are changing, time is passing and people are moving on, it is very difficult to accept. To accept the fact that my time with Caelan will never be able to extend and I will really never going to see him grow. The joy and fun I have and am having with the boys will never happen with Caelan because he is gone. There is a finality. There was the end. It doesn't matter that my love for him continues to grow daily without his presence. My longing for him multiplies without him around. That was the final moment. That was the last time I saw him. That was the last time I bathed him, I held him, I fed him, I_____ him. No one can take my sorrow and my sadness away. It doesn't matter how many people out there care for me. This is a road I have to bear through and a journey I have to take out the courage to continue daily. I am like Aidan a couple months ago asking me "When is God going to be done fixing Caelan and giving him back to us?" I didn't know how advance that thought was. I gave Aidan an answer with my mind then and only begin to search for the answer from my heart and realized how slowly I am coming to accept that Caelee is never going to be back. Caelan is really never going to be back. He has gone ahead and never will be back.

It's funny how things are spinning around my head these days. It's like the overload picasa photo program at home that we use on the computer. The program is going wonko with overloaded pictures. The photos that are sorted by dates are now shown in random images but when we click on the automatic slideshow function, photos are arranged perfectly in order. It's like my memory nowadays. No matter how clear I want to recall them, they appear in random order. It is a super bitter sweet situation as we have 4 different babies images randomly shown in the computer at different times. The boys look ridiculously similar even as their mommy, I need to think it through to recognize each one of them. I had no idea what I am trying to say here but to self sooth myself today. I am trying to tell myself that my 3 boys can make up for one tiny memory of Caelan. As days go by, will time heal? Or will time just bring out more brutal realities and facts that I have no more second chance to build my life with baby Caelan? Will I be fine with the fading memory of Caelan and get confuse with my own memories as more new adventures unfold as I continue too grow old with the boys? What will my future hold? What will happen the moment I step out of the house today as I face the marathon of pick ups and daily chores? Am I rather stay back and still be STILL? Or is being STILL a way of avoiding the cruelty of reality? I wish I can say today I will soar with God above the storm but today I'd rather sit in the middle of the ocean and let the ocean rise and roar around me.

Just let me be and I will figure it out. I think God is here sitting with me and allowing me take in the overwhelming sorrow one day at a time. I will be fine. Still, I will be still.