It's not easy

It's been difficult to live and grief. There is an enormous sense of guilt and betrayal when you try to move on. The moment you let yourself have a bit of joy, the very moment you feel sad that you do feel happy. It's like a crazy person trying to find normality in life. It's been eight months since Caelan died. I told myself it's time to let go but it's not easy. I tend to put out more of an upbeat, happy front for others around me to feel more at ease. I try not to dwell on the great sorrow. I stop looking at Caelan's pictures as often. I want to not remember as much. I make myself listen to news rather than the soothing music that makes me linger in thoughts of Caelan. I doze myself off with the sound and the flashing images of the television rather than reading my books on griefing. I do a lot. I shop a lot. I talk a lot. I pray a lot. I try not to cry a lot. I try not to to blog. I try not to do anything that reminds me of Caelee.

But nothing can really take the reality of sadness away. Still I am sad inside. I can feel the tension built up in my body physically this week until I let go and have a solid, lengthy, gut out kinda cry tonight. Does having faith in God help? Yes, a whole lot. When I am feeling sorry for myself, for my family and feeling guilty, I can only rely on the promise God has for us. When I have doubts, He talks to me in ways I cannot imagine. He has a way bigger plan for all of us and He loves us so much that I have the peace that He will take care of us no matter what. I know Caelan is in good, loving hand and I will see him again one day. When I am sad (like now), I know Jesus is here and He is weeping along with me. He can understand my sorrow and fill in the emptiness. Hope can be found in Him. I just have to believe it and take a big long leap! It is not easy but I will try again this week.