Do I miss Caelan?

It is sad that Logan had forgotten already that he is a big brother. He is a big brother to Caelan. I know he is only three and it is asking a lot for him to fully comprehend the lost but for me, it is still sad. Since Caelan's death, I have been reading a lot of books on dealing with grieving and grieving as children. I am determined that our family will be brave and face this matter positively. Caelan's death will never going to be a taboo in our house or with our friends and family (it's a bit challenging with the outsiders). We will talk about Caelan and bring out the topic as much as we can. Tommy and I cried as often as we can in front of our kids and friends. I cried almost every Sunday during service. I hope by doing so I may be able to overcome the sadness one day. I hope that by doing so our sons will become more compassionate and grow closer to each others. After I reminded Logan that he is a big brother, he has been entertaining that idea again. After a few days since I reassured that he is and will always be a big brother to Caelan, today he came to me and said "Mommy, you know I am a big brother right, you know?" I know I have to repeat and repeat the same sad heart broken story to Aidan and Logan over and over again before they fully understand that Caelan is gone forever. They are not shy about the topic. Aidan just came to me when I was typing and asked me if I really miss Caelee. How aweful is that question? But it is true that I ask that question to myself all the time. Do I really miss Caelan or do I actally just feel sorry for myself? Do I really feel sad that he is dead or do I just feel angry because he died so now I looked like a failure as a mother? Do I really miss him? I think one thing I know for sure is the fact that I am sad and I have never been so sad in my life. I have not had a day without tear for the past several months. It's been more controllable last month but I still haven't been able to put make up on in the morning because I cannot guarantee that I will not cry during the day. So, do I miss Caelan? Do I? It's a very complex question for me.