Me...Mess

I have been experiencing a few intense anxiety attacks last few days and trying hard to overcome the problems. It is frightening because I am afraid the intensity will cripple me from taking care of my boys.
After coming home from I thought at the time, life and death situation, I was all shaken with all the boys at home. I cried and let out of my emotion deeply for 2 days.
Tonight as I left Tommy alone to go to the home builders meeting with the boys. I felt the urge of sorting out my feelings.
As I was reflecting, I realized the date. Two days ago marked Caelee's fourth month of leaving us. I think I am dealing with a lot of guilts and regrets again.

Here is a new list:
1) I forgot that it is the 8th and it has only been 4 months. I am afraid that I will eventually forget about Caelee. I feel guilty.
2) I am scare to death that I will not be able to care for my other boys. Caring for them at times seem overwhelming to me. I feel guilty as an incapable mom. I feel I deserve Caelee to be taken away because he is now in a better place. I feel I fail him as a mother and afraid that I will fail my other boys.
3) I feel guilty that I am afraid of being judged by others because of our tragedy. I hate that feelings. When people avoid us, I assume lots of things. I imagine how they think of us as incapable parents with too many kids. Messy family with no disciplines. My self esteem as a mother is at all time low.
4) I feel guilty that I am not able to shake these thoughts away. 5) I feel guilty that my faith is not strong enough.
6) I feel guilty that this griefing is all about me. It is becoming very selfish. By the time I finished "thinking", I am all exhausted.
7) I feel guilty of not being able to be more productive. I feel guilty that I am contributing enough in the family and at work. Small tasks become more difficult. I can't concentrate well.
8) I feel guilty that I am secretly happy that I lost weight but I want to tell people that I did it because I was sad. But I really lost weight because of the loss of appetite. I also feel sad when people tell me I lost weight. It reminds me of the pain. It hurts more. But I feel guilty that I am happy I lost weight. I am a mess.
9) I feel guilty that I still want to talk about Caelan all the time. I feel disappointed if people do not talk about Caelan in our conversation.
10) I feel guilty that I mentally shut Tommy off one night when he was excited to share his adventures for the day. I had no interests because I'd rather have my time to grief. I feel guilty for not being a good wife.

The list can go on and on but I don't want do this anymore. I can't concentrate. I am exhausted. Overall, I am tired and I am a mess these days. Maybe, next week it will be better.