Holiday season is here again. I have no control over my overwhelming emotions. My longing for a perfect family had silently crawled right back into my thoughts. Once again, I am confronted with happiness and hope and love and peace and so much more. These are wonderful things that I can only take in small dozes at a time. Holiday season is truly difficult.

As my little one inside me becomes more and more active, it becomes more real that I will have to go through life with one more person without Baby Caelan. If God allows, this baby inside me will grow older than seven months. Baby Caelan will always be a baby in my mind. The hope and dreams of him growing up with the boys will always be shattered and always be in pieces. No matter how I put it, Caelan will only remain a seven month old baby.

Every time I pass by the nursery room at Logan's daycare, I look in and hope to find Caelan. It would have been where he would spend time when I go to work. I watched the babies in the nursery start to take their first step and speak their first word. I can't help but long for my Caelan. I was so much trying to find his shadow or something in that room. It is silly. The sense of lost and helplessness bring me tears everytime.

But when people ask me how I am doing, I can only put up a happy face and say I am okay today. Then they will go on talk about my new baby. Oh God, how I long for Caelan. I miss him so much...it still hurts.