What happened?

Lately, I am afraid to visit this blog space. It's just so painful. Life seems to go on. I seem to be "forced"to go along with the "flow". I'd like to be part of the "normal" group. I put up smiles. I moved on. I came back. I thought I wouldn't cry or feel the pain. I do. I numb myself with lots of works and duties. I was drunk once at a friend's wedding. First in my life. I felt so bad. Every night, I surround myself with lots of paperwork from work and from church. No time to think or feel the sorrow helps. It helps for a while. But I am back. I missed Caelan. He is/was my life. I can't help but missing him in every thought of mine. My heart is broken even though my spirit is high. I can't explain the feeling. My life is full of lives and goodness but I am heartbroken. I have to be gentle with myself. I know it's okay to take my time to grief but it is not easy. People are forgetful and careless. A casual church friend of mine saw me today. She saw me and exclaimed, "you lost so much weight, what happened?" She is so stupid. She knew very well that we lost Caelan. Last time, two months after Caelan was gone, she saw me. She was surprised and said, "oh, you are all well now!!" This time she said, "what happened?" I knew people didn't what to say but this one was just ridiculous. It rippled a lot of pain and sadness. I can be sad and deal with the crappy feeling with my own timing. I can handle my own emotion. It is difficult to deal with other's insensitive, out of no where comments. They hurt. I don't know why they hurt. Maybe I don't want people to forget about Caelan and forget about my pain. I am just stuck with sadness tonight. What happened?!!