LOST

I went to revisit the psychiatrist yesterday. She caught me by surprise by reviewing the coroner's report to me. We have been waiting to see the report all this time. The coroner had finally called us a few weeks back and confirmed that Caelan died of SIDS but we haven't seen the report yet. I wasn't prepared for the report from the psychiatrist and was very numb when she began the long list of details. She was also very upset at the coroner office for holding back the report from us for the last few months even when it was ready. She went on and on reading the emails she had exchanged with the head of the department and told me that the report should have been a priority for families like ours. The hold-back of the report create unnecessary stress on bereaved parents. I guess she was expecting me to have a great sense of anger and relief at the same time. Somehow, I feel numbed. All I did and knew what to do was to sob quietly in my chair. I think I am scared to investigate further. I am afraid of knowing more...more about the details. What if it is my fault? What if it is not just SIDS? The thought is too much for me to handle. It hurts. I think it is self protection from further getting hurt. I didn't let myself feel the pain. I'd rather stay ignorant and put my trust in the Lord. It really doesn't matter. A lot of the so called "injustice" does not matter to me right now. I'd rather stay still and see where God leads me next. At times, I feel like a little girl lost in a gigantic mall. It is better off that she stays still. Daddy will be able to find her rather than her wandering around at full speed. I am the lost girl. I feel like the lost girl. Quietly...staying still.