Hope happily Hops

I had been dwelling on my sadness for the last little while. My body felt extraordinarily weak. Perhaps I was giving up. Giving up searching and yearning for whatever that is. Or maybe I am just overtired from all the grieving and working for the last two months. Sometimes I wonder if I am depressed. I do feel quite bummed out most of the time. I thought to myself it must be hard for friends and people see me emotionless and sad most of the time. Evan’s teacher has been prompting me that she missed the bouncy OLD me. I see on my parents’ faces and how worry they are to see me sobbing all the time. My children begin to yell at me when they see me cry. Logan, instead of gently asking whether I am missing Caelan, now screams across the room and said “no crying, mommy, you not a baby”. Will I ever get my happy self back? The worry free, dare-devilish, bouncy, feisty, and energetic ME back?

Two weeks ago, a friend greeted me with a big glee on her face and asked me in an extraordinary delighted tone of voice, “Are you all well now?” I was stunned and caught speechless. I wanted to say, “Dude, I didn’t have a disease or a head concussion. I lost my dear BABY, not a pet, not a cell phone. I will never be ALL well again.” But I held my tongue and just mumbled in return, ‘No, I will never be well again but thanks for asking” And quickly escaped and hid.

I know very well I have to be “better”, as least I have to be better than what I am now. I know my God will not leave me in this state for long but how will He get me out? But being back to “normal” again, I think that is out of the question. I knew I had to find the “new normal”. I should be looking for a new normal for myself, a new normal for my family and a new normal for Tommy and me as a couple.

Recently I have been sharing with another grieving mother who has a similar loss. We quickly found something in common. That is our worries of not able to have our joyful selves back. Our grieving consumes so much of our energy and our pain takes up so much of our lives. We forget how to be happy again and wonder whether we will ever be happy again. Not very long ago, I was so proud of myself and my family. I was truly excited and happy to have four kids. My life was busy but meaningful. I enjoyed every moment. Someday, I was completely exhausted at night and couldn't even lift up my arms. I dozed off at 8:30pm with my kids. But I was happy and looked forward to the next morning. Without Caelan, my life seems incomplete. I am sad most of the time. When I have moments of happiness, I feel guilty. I feel like I am betraying Caelan. Sometimes, I even feel relieved that I have more spare time to reflect and my arms are not as sore and tired as before. Then I feel guilty. I feel like I am glad Caelan is dead. I begin to pity myself as a victim. These negative thoughts can go on and on and quickly they drag me into a spiraling downward path.

So last two weeks I have been thinking hard. “How can I be happy again?” . Thankfully, I find a plain and simple answer in the Bible that is comforting and satisfying.

Hope and Happiness go hand in hand.


In the book of "Irrepressible Hope" from Women of Faith conference (thanks to Lisa and Jack who gave me this book last Saturday when I was feeling extremely blue). I found a verse that uplifted me.

"So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace" Roman 15:13.

The writer interprets the verse as that if we lost hope, we can forget being happy and we might as well drop the idea of peace. The presence of hope opens the portals to happiness and peace. And the good thing is that you can find Hope easily in the bible. Hope is all over the place in the bible. It is God’s gift to us. In the same book “Irrepressible Hope”, Luci Swindoll passionately sums up the essence of Hope.

“Hope Hops! It moves from place to place, showing up just when we need it most, And you cannot keep it down. Just when you wonder if it’s gone, it pops up out of nowhere as a wonderful surprise. In Lamentations 3:19-23, we read of a time of affliction and bitterness that was displaced by remembering the hop that’s in God’s love and compassion. Romans 4:18 says Abraham experienced hope against hope by having faith that he would be the father of many nations even though he was childless for years. The Lord’s delight is a product of those who put their hope in his unfailing love says in Psalm 147:11. Endurance is inspired by hope in the Lord Jesus in 1 Thessalonians 1:3. Hope hops throughout the pages of Scripture, assuring us it’s still there. No matter what!”

In the bible, God has been faithful in numerous situations, in times of difficulties and carrying people who have more turmoil than me. They were fine. God didn’t forsake them. That truly excites me because that means with the gift of Hope I too can experience the unexplainable miracles, the “How wonderful God is” stories and the “what a mighty God I serve” testimonies! I, too, can cry out and proclaim His goodness with personal victory and conviction. What a promise! As long as I put my hope in Him and submit to His guidance and believe in His providence. He will give me peace that the world cannot give. Happiness and joy will follow. He will not let us suffer without a cause! He will use this sad part of my life and He may turn it into a wonderful opportunity if I allow it. We simply have to let go of 'ourselves", our OLD selves and let Him take the lead. Honestly, I have no idea where He is taking me this time round but if the Bible is true, it may seem to be a pretty promising, cool journey since I am suffering quite a bit! Ha! Ha! That is the Hope I have in Him.

I pray that I will continue to see Hope hopping everywhere in my life and as if I lose sight of the big picture and dwell on the-not-so-good stuff, may hope hop right back into my mind and give me strength and help me fight with courage. I pray that when days are dim I will remember to seek Hope from Him and He will give me joy and peace, more so that what I have experience from before.