Last weekend, Tommy, out of the blue, pulled out the movie "50 first dates" and we all watched the movie together as a family. The boys fell in love with the sea animals and Evan fell in love with the song, a famous medley two classic songs: Somewhere over the Rainbow and It's a wonderful world sung by a 700lbs Hawaiian singer. I think he had the most gentle, pure voice I have ever heard.
After the movie, Tommy went to his therapy corner: the living room with his guitar singing by himself. That is the way he soothes himself and deals with his stress and grieving. It is painful to see him sad and weep at times yet I feel relieved that my man is dealing with his hurts. God made us uniquely different even the way we grieve for the loss of our very same dear son.
Today, Evan went on the internet and pulled out the same song on his own. Listening and singing to himself several times. Like father like son. That's the way they deal with their stress. I gave him his own space to grief for Caelan. I quietly went behind him and watched him. After a while he told me the life story of the singer and said how much he liked the song. Then he suggested that we should play this song every September 8th for Caelan. I am amazed how sensitive Evan is. He not only is able to comprehend Caelan's passing but he is also able to verbally explain to his brothers in simple terms where Caelan is: with God and in Heaven. He can even find things to comfort himself for example songs that are appropriate for the occasions. At Caelan's memorial service, he suggested Tommy to sing a lullaby he used to sing to Caelan and another Chinese classic that I used to sing to all of them before bedtimes. I believe God gave him this gift and I know God will help him deal with this tough time.
We are also thankful that a school teacher from Evan's school comes every Thursday to work with Aidan, helping him to deal with his grieving. Mrs DeKleer brings a hand puppet, Timmy with her each time. Through imaginary play, story telling and craft, Aidan was able to release some of his tension and to talk about his thoughts. Since Caelan's death, Aidan moved into my bed. He has been grinding his teeth and very often he talks like a toddler again. I have read that this is how children grief. The other day, Aidan and Logan were playing together in the preschool gym. Aidan accidentally hurt Logan's finger and a teacher took Logan away to put on a bandage. Aidan cried hysterically and no one could calm him down. I just so happened to arrive at the very moment and it took me a while to calm him down. Then I realized that Aidan was afraid. He was scared that Logan was taken away "forever" just like Caelan. That night before bed, I explained to him that Caelan died because his body could not "work" anymore and that was no one's fault. Not mommy, daddy, Evie, Logie or Aidee's. He asked, "Not God's?" I said, "nope, not God's fault for sure." Aidan is slowly but surely understanding that Caelan is not coming back and we will not be able to get on a plane to get him back as he requested.
Yesterday, Logan greeted Daddy home with his big, warm hugs and Daddy kissed everyone: Evan, Aidan and Logan. Logan quickly asked Daddy to carry him and lifted him up. He pointed at Caelan's picture on the wall and said, "Kiss, Caelan too!" Tommy kissed the picture and Logan said, "I missed Caelan." Sometime, it's hard to know how much a two year old knows. Tonight, Tommy had a meeting and I knew Logie was missing Daddy's big homecoming fiesta. I watched him closely and my tears all of a sudden ran down on my cheeks. He looked at me and said, "no crying, mommy! Be happy!" I sadly looked at him and forced out a smile. I took the opportunity and asked him, "Logan, do you know where Caelan is?" He said to me with confidence, "Caelan dives" I laughed and gently corrected him, "Yes, he died." He repeated, "He dives" I gave up but I knew he knew. I just added, "Yes, he will not come back." He just walked away as if he knew already. I feel very sad because he is not even three years old and he has to understand death and accept the loss at such a young age. It breaks my heart.
Mrs DeKleer, Aidan's grief coach, said I am greiving well but it will be extra hard for me because as a mom I am grieving also on behalf for my boys and for Tommy. I have extra doses of grievings I have to deal with. Sometimes, I see and think of other people being sad for Caelan, I feel for them as they feel for me (it's complicated!). I cried for myself, for my boys and for others. No wonder I am always crying. But I know this is a phase I have to go through.
Thank God for simple pleasure. When you feel pain, you can appreciate joy much easier. A light hearted song like this one helps make my days happier. Friends and families' encouragement and uplifting emails and visits keep us afloat. We know that people are saying that they love us and care for us. Somewhere over the rainbow there are hopes.
This song touches my heart too because of "the blue birds". Just so happen, after Caelan's death, my dad started to find blue birds flying around our backyard. He also has a way to call the blue birds to come to our deck with his expensive treats: cashew nuts. It was like some new found hopes at the darkest time of our lives. It is now a family treat to watch the blue birds come to our deck as one of us goes out to feed them. It is, again, a simple pleasure.
This song also makes me dream that maybe, our home is Caelan's other side of the rainbow where the blue birds fly. It also makes me think that maybe our world is Caelan's somewhere over the rainbow where people are passing by and shaking hands are caring for each others saying "I love you". Time is tough now for my family and for me but I know we will pull it through with the love everyone shares with us. God is full of goodness because He gives us hope and peace even in simple pleasures. What a beautiful song and what a wonderful world!
After the movie, Tommy went to his therapy corner: the living room with his guitar singing by himself. That is the way he soothes himself and deals with his stress and grieving. It is painful to see him sad and weep at times yet I feel relieved that my man is dealing with his hurts. God made us uniquely different even the way we grieve for the loss of our very same dear son.
Today, Evan went on the internet and pulled out the same song on his own. Listening and singing to himself several times. Like father like son. That's the way they deal with their stress. I gave him his own space to grief for Caelan. I quietly went behind him and watched him. After a while he told me the life story of the singer and said how much he liked the song. Then he suggested that we should play this song every September 8th for Caelan. I am amazed how sensitive Evan is. He not only is able to comprehend Caelan's passing but he is also able to verbally explain to his brothers in simple terms where Caelan is: with God and in Heaven. He can even find things to comfort himself for example songs that are appropriate for the occasions. At Caelan's memorial service, he suggested Tommy to sing a lullaby he used to sing to Caelan and another Chinese classic that I used to sing to all of them before bedtimes. I believe God gave him this gift and I know God will help him deal with this tough time.
We are also thankful that a school teacher from Evan's school comes every Thursday to work with Aidan, helping him to deal with his grieving. Mrs DeKleer brings a hand puppet, Timmy with her each time. Through imaginary play, story telling and craft, Aidan was able to release some of his tension and to talk about his thoughts. Since Caelan's death, Aidan moved into my bed. He has been grinding his teeth and very often he talks like a toddler again. I have read that this is how children grief. The other day, Aidan and Logan were playing together in the preschool gym. Aidan accidentally hurt Logan's finger and a teacher took Logan away to put on a bandage. Aidan cried hysterically and no one could calm him down. I just so happened to arrive at the very moment and it took me a while to calm him down. Then I realized that Aidan was afraid. He was scared that Logan was taken away "forever" just like Caelan. That night before bed, I explained to him that Caelan died because his body could not "work" anymore and that was no one's fault. Not mommy, daddy, Evie, Logie or Aidee's. He asked, "Not God's?" I said, "nope, not God's fault for sure." Aidan is slowly but surely understanding that Caelan is not coming back and we will not be able to get on a plane to get him back as he requested.
Yesterday, Logan greeted Daddy home with his big, warm hugs and Daddy kissed everyone: Evan, Aidan and Logan. Logan quickly asked Daddy to carry him and lifted him up. He pointed at Caelan's picture on the wall and said, "Kiss, Caelan too!" Tommy kissed the picture and Logan said, "I missed Caelan." Sometime, it's hard to know how much a two year old knows. Tonight, Tommy had a meeting and I knew Logie was missing Daddy's big homecoming fiesta. I watched him closely and my tears all of a sudden ran down on my cheeks. He looked at me and said, "no crying, mommy! Be happy!" I sadly looked at him and forced out a smile. I took the opportunity and asked him, "Logan, do you know where Caelan is?" He said to me with confidence, "Caelan dives" I laughed and gently corrected him, "Yes, he died." He repeated, "He dives" I gave up but I knew he knew. I just added, "Yes, he will not come back." He just walked away as if he knew already. I feel very sad because he is not even three years old and he has to understand death and accept the loss at such a young age. It breaks my heart.
Mrs DeKleer, Aidan's grief coach, said I am greiving well but it will be extra hard for me because as a mom I am grieving also on behalf for my boys and for Tommy. I have extra doses of grievings I have to deal with. Sometimes, I see and think of other people being sad for Caelan, I feel for them as they feel for me (it's complicated!). I cried for myself, for my boys and for others. No wonder I am always crying. But I know this is a phase I have to go through.
Thank God for simple pleasure. When you feel pain, you can appreciate joy much easier. A light hearted song like this one helps make my days happier. Friends and families' encouragement and uplifting emails and visits keep us afloat. We know that people are saying that they love us and care for us. Somewhere over the rainbow there are hopes.
This song touches my heart too because of "the blue birds". Just so happen, after Caelan's death, my dad started to find blue birds flying around our backyard. He also has a way to call the blue birds to come to our deck with his expensive treats: cashew nuts. It was like some new found hopes at the darkest time of our lives. It is now a family treat to watch the blue birds come to our deck as one of us goes out to feed them. It is, again, a simple pleasure.
This song also makes me dream that maybe, our home is Caelan's other side of the rainbow where the blue birds fly. It also makes me think that maybe our world is Caelan's somewhere over the rainbow where people are passing by and shaking hands are caring for each others saying "I love you". Time is tough now for my family and for me but I know we will pull it through with the love everyone shares with us. God is full of goodness because He gives us hope and peace even in simple pleasures. What a beautiful song and what a wonderful world!
Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Iz Kamakawiwoóle
Oooo, oooooo,
ooooo,ooooooooooo,
ooooOoooo,oooo,oooo
Oooooo,ooooo,
ooooo,ooo,
oooo,oooo,ooo
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dream of
Once in a lullaby
Oh, somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dream of
Dreams really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind....me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dream that you dare to
Why oh why can't I
Well I see trees of green
And red roses too
I watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Well I see skies of blue
And I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow
So pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
See friends shakin hands saying'How do you do?'
They're really sayin,'I, I love you."
I hear babies cry
And I watch them grow
They'll know much more than we'll ever know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Oh, someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Oh, somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dare to
Why oh why can't I...I
Ooooo,oooo,
ooooo,ooooo,oooo,oooo......
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