Remembering my Caelan boy

I have been avoiding blogging for the last 7 months. The mixed feelings are difficult to handle. We miss Caelan even more because he is a big brother now.

"How many kids do you have?" Five...not four.
"Wow, you have 3 boys and now a girl!! You are so blessed!" No...I have 4 boys and a girl. I should feel even more blessed.
"Oh now, you have Myra...isn't it great? It's meant to be!" What...it's meant to be forever having a hole in my heart?

There is a chinese saying that people used at the funeral to comfort those who lost their loved ones. "Cut back the sorrow and ease into the changes" I never knew what it meant until Caelee died. There is so much wisdom in the saying especially when one can only handle only that much sorrow. The sensible thing to do is to give in and let go. The changes are harsh but they are necessary. But sometimes, we don't want to be sensible. Love makes no sense.

It's wonderful to have Myra as an addition to our family. But I am always afraid of her replacing Caelan in my heart. I am beginning to forget Caelan; his laughters, his gentleness, his personality... I feel like I am betraying him. I want to blog about my feeling but I am afraid the sadness will overtake my mind again. I want to stay where I was (at least on my mind) but I cannot. I have to be productive and constructive.
But today, I am going to spoil myself to dwell in this dark hole for a little bit longer to remember my little baby boy. My precious child. The love of my life.