It has been four months now that Caelan has gone. We survived through a holiday season with five of us again. The boys had a good time staying home 80% of the last three weeks. Readjusting to the idea of having five members in our family has been difficult for Tommy and me since we had spent so much energy anticipating having a hectic, busy life with four boys under 6. Now life seems to be awfully quiet and "less".
We seem to manage well when people asked and they came to visit. We don't cry as often. Life goes on. People stop asking. People "let" us move on. I think that is when it hurts the most. Just because we are able to control our emotions in front of others, people think we are "over" with our grieving. In fact, we are just trying very hard to get "through" it and move forward.
Grieving is like trying to do a graceful ballroom dance as a beginner. You put one foot forward and take two steps back while keeping you pose upright to keep balance. You try to remember all the advice and know very well there are spectators around. Most of all, you have to remember to keep a smile on your face even though deep inside you have no idea when you are going to trip again. It is not an easy task.
It was disappointing at our family gatherings during the holidays. Neither side of our families openly acknowledged our loss of the baby. The topic of Caelan became taboo. A topic that could only be mentioned in the corner of the hallway by the "secret society". No one seems to be willing to go into the living room where Caelee's pictures and candles were lit. It hurts. It hurts me deeply that people would rather forget than remember. They rather move on and talk about celebrities and others' lives than the ones that are close to our hearts. I am praying daily for God to help me to let go of my expectations of people and to heal my hurts.
To get through this loss, they say it takes at least a year to four years. So, we may seem okay on the surface but deep inside we are still very fragile. Be patient with us and please remind me to be patient with ourselves. We will always need support and someone to listen. People can just sit there if they want and let us do the talking. We don't even know what we will be thinking of from one moment to the next.
I ran into a friend at the mall the other day. All she had to do was to look at me and nod. Through her eyes I saw tears. That was all we both needed at that moment. I appreciate her willingness to share my sadness. That seriously is all we need most of the time. We need them not to ignore that we are going through a huge loss and we so want them not to forget. Please do talk about our baby with us next time you see us. It helps us get through this trauma much healthier.
Following are some materials I found that may be useful to help friends and families talk to us. Thanks for being there for us and we probably need more supports for the next few months as we are entering the next stage of deep griefing. We are trying not to be alone in the process but it is difficult.
Grief is the natural response to any loss. Healing for bereaved parents can begin to occur by acknowledging and sharing their grief. Friends and caregivers who care should grieve and mourn with the parents; and be willing to listen. Bereaved parents need to know that their child will be remembered, not just by them but also by family and friends. They need to have the child acknowledged and referred to by name. They want that child’s life to matter. They do not want to forget and they don’t want others to forget.
http://www.sidscenter.org/Bereavement/LifetimeJourney.html#8
Do's and Don't to Help Bereaved Parents
1. Don't ask "How are you?" It is not a casual conversation opener to us. Rather, it is a reminder that we are struggling through each day. We will never be "Fine" in the way you mean it. We may be coping, but we will never be whole.
2. Don't tell us it will get better with time. Time has a different dimension for us - a reminder that we may live for a long time without hearing our child's voice and feeling their hugs and kisses.
3. Don't give the families pat answers trying to get them to feel better. It takes years to adjust to this new life.
4. Do talk about our child.We love to hear their names mentioned and stories shared. While our children are no longer physically close, they are forever in our hearts and forever a part of our family. Not mentioning them does not diminish our pain, it only adds to it.
5. Do call just to say hello, I have been thinking of you. This is a lonely journey that takes the rest of our lives.
6. Don't tell bereaved parents that you know how they feel - if you are not one of them, you really don't know. When we hear that from others who are not bereaved, it tends to make us feel lonelier.
7. Don't tell us, we look or sound better - and therefore assume that we are better. The pain is still there - we are just learning to mask it better. In reality, we are still emotionally fragile. There is no timeframe to our grief since the our love for our children is endless.
8. Don't say, “You are strong.” We don't feel that way. We are just coping as best we can.
9. Don't say "I can't imagine what you are going through." We hear this a lot and though it is a true statement, in reality it is a reminder that you have your child/children and we don't.
10. Do just continue to show you care. A card, phone call, etc. is much appreciated long after most people go back to their lives. Our lives have stopped for us. If you don't know what to say, just say "I care about you. I will be here for you."
http://www.sethacles.com/dodont.html
A more detail and better list in PDF form and from a Christian's perspective http://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/pdf/services/BPN/BPNTipsSheet.pdf
LISTEN
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