The intense longing for heaven

Lately, I have developed an interest in knowing what heaven is all about and how it relates to us on earth. I am sure it's part of grieving and yearning for baby Caelan. It is my way of trying to give Caelan's short life on earth a closure and a satisfying answer to my soul. It is difficult to make sense out of a senseless situation. But to me, the existence of Heaven makes sense and seems to be all it is about.

Before I used to think of Heaven as a place where angels live and God rules. Now, I am busy trying to fit us in there. What will it be like in Heaven? How do we relate to each others? People sing songs about how they are excited to see God face to face. Honestly, I have not much interest in seeing God. I think I am afraid to see him. Nowadays, I have to think really hard how my relationship should be with God. So when I go to heaven, I will be excited to finally see Him. I can picture myself run toward Caelan and give him a gigantic hug but pass right by God who is majestic and Holy. I will then look pretty stupid!

However, honestly, at this point, I think I still want to see my Caelan way more than I want to meet God. To me, God often seems so unreachable and far. But I know, now, I want Him to be closer. Simply because I want Caelee to be closer to my heart. It is a ridiculous thought, I know. So full of contradiction.

But I believe this intense longing for heaven is normal for bereaved parents. Nancy Guthrie, an author who buried 2 babies out of her 3 children, in her book, "When Your Family's Lost a Loved one" shares the same thought and comes to a conclusion that God understands our longing. "He uses this as as tool to awake us to Himself." People we loved are so precious to us, and our reunions should be exciting. "We long for our loved ones more shows how limited our understanding to our majestic God is."

I remember one of Tommy's favourite songs is "Eternity" by Brian Dorksen. I always thought it's a pretentious funeral song. Why would he force us to sing this song during worship as a worship leader? When this tragedy happened to me, suddenly, simple hymns and worship songs come alive. They become songs of confidence and comforts. God's words in the lyrics become solid foundations to the healing of my broken heart. His promises that I hold onto. I feel that God has planned this long ago. He knows how to lift me up when I fall long before I am aware of my own needs. We used "Eternity" as one of the songs in Caelan's intimate family gathering after his death. The song brought tears to all of us but gave Tommy and me strength to hope for the future.

Eternity by Brian Dorksen

I will be Yours
You will be mine
Together in the eternity
Our hearts of love will be entwined
Together in the eternity
Forever in the eternity(repeat)

No more tears of pain, in you eyes
No more fear or shamefor we will be with You
Yes we will be with You
I wil be yours, You will be mine
Together in the eternity
Our hearts of love will be entwined
Together in the eternity
We will worship
We will worship You forever



Our understanding is so limited and our love for God is so small compare to the love we have for our own flesh and blood. This really makes me re-examine my faith. God does use for good what we may see as bad. I begin to understand that it is all about being connected with God. Whether it's through pain or through joy, we need to stay connected with Him. When someone we love is in heaven, it just becomes more real; our yearning for heaven becomes more vivid. The need of staying connected becomes urgent. According to Guthrie, even "the longing for heaven is also a gift of grace". In His grace, we continue to find hope and peace at our midst of overwhelming sadness.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9