Interview Part I

ME: How are you?

Myself: I am okay.

ME: How are you lately?

Myself: I am doing better.

ME: How are you really?

Myself: Someday I am better than the other...today I am fine (depending on how much time I have to talk and how sincere the person is).

ME: How are you now, this moment?

Myself: I have a lot of thoughts and scattered questions for myself.

ME: What do you mean?

Myself: I am 32week pregnant. I am beginning to visualize and starting to mentally prepare myself for the new arrival. It has not been easy. I rather not think about it honestly because as soon as I start thinking, I have to go through the cycle of pain/shame/guilt/forgiveness/hope and pick myself up again every single time.

ME: What do you do then?

Myself: I spend lots of time on the computer to work and I watch TV. Lots and lots of TV. Ways to get my mind off serious thinking. Blogging is the last thing I would choose to do. It is just brutally painful. Talking about Caelan is the second last thing and looking at his picture is the third one on the list. Like right now, my tears just would stop coming.

ME: Why are you blogging then?

Myself: obligation. I feel that if I don't blog before Caelan's birthday, everyone will ask me how I am doing. If I can bear the pain once for all, it would be easier. it also helps to interview myself so I can hear myself from a third person's point of view...I am my own therapist!

ME: What bothers you most right now?

Myself: The cause of Caelan's death...anything I could have or would have prevented his death during my pregnancy or the way he slept. The typical things that people talk about when they think of SIDS. I feel like I have to find out the cause so I can prevent the death of my next baby...even though I know there isn't going to be much I can do.

ME: Are you depressed?

Myself: Someday I am. Someday I am not. I think I am generally okay and very aware of my responsibility in life . You can say that my family and my kids do a big part of pulling me out from the ditch.

ME: Do you still believe in God?

Myself: I do. I do very much. I think I believe Him so much that I know I hear voices all the time in my mind. There will be nasty comments and put downs coming out of no where and there will be a voice coming out from no where to take my thoughts off the negative thoughts. I can hear it very well. I know it's not my thinking. I am not as wise. When I am in the dark and thinking of all the bad things that will happen to the new baby and sometimes Aidan, the voice will just clearly assure me that I just have to be myself. Do what I am good at doing. Try my best. The rest will be taken care of. My God is the God of life and death. Don't worry about things I have no control over. Sometimes, when I try to think of things to prepare for the baby, I think of all the things Chinese people consider bad luck. There are so many of them it's not funny! The voice will let me know I should never think like that because it's not true.

ME: Do you still read a lot of books on griefs?

Myself: No, that makes me sad and makes me unsettled. I need to sleep and have the energy to go through each day. I can't dwell on the issue. I thank God for my ADD in this case because I am also bored from the topic.

ME: Do you still cry?

Myself: I do. I don't cry everyday anymore. I used to cry everyday uncontrollably for almost a year. Then it got better in a sense that I can cry when I allow myself to and cry for a short period of time. Lately I cry maybe 2-3 times a week, usually at nighttime or when I am alone. I have problem crying too much because I think that can be very self-absorbing. It is very selfish and pitiful. It is not about me. It is about Caelan. Then I will hear the voice saying it's okay. It is very much about me because Caelan is well taken care of in heaven but I have to take care of myself so I can care for my family. That is my responsibility. It is okay to be self-absorbing for a little while. Then, I have to admit to myself that I did go through a trauma that not many have gone through. I have to be easy on myself. blah blah blah.

ME: So do you think this is wasting your time?

Myself: yes, in a way, it is very time consuming. I do rather spend my time of productive things. Lately my store is less demanding and I am a lot more spare time. I have to occupy my mind on other things so I pick up cardmaking. I think it is a psychological problem of mine. I have to be busy. I have to DO something. Perhaps, I should learn to take it easy and learn to be calm and do nothing. Learn the art of "Staring at the wall" and do nothing.

To be continued...